A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased
husband is published. The editor informs her that there is a charge of £1 per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then says "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died' ".
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all
obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
'Fred Brown died: bowls equipment for sale.' ''

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again'

"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually
stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he
would have wanted."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can
clearly see you're nuts.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and
for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and
thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, Im going
to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

Guy goes into the doctors. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on
the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

A native approached the cannibals meat shop, where the special of the day was 'Bowlers Brains'.
These were priced from £1, £2, £3 and £10. The price difference puzzled the customer and so it was
pointed out that, brains at £1 belonged to bowlers who had been leads, the £2 ones to those who had
been seconds and the £3 ones to those who had been thirds.
Of course the brains marked at £10 belonged to the bowlers who had been skips. When questioned
about the unexpectedly high price put on skips brains the Shopkeeper explained, 'Well, they're
really very rare, you wouldn't believe how many skips we have to kill before we find one with a set'.

Pat requested his Church to check if they played bowls in Heaven.
After a week the Priest approached Pat with the answer.
He said, "I have good news and bad news".
Pat said, "Tell me the good news first".
The Priest said, "The good news is that they do play bowls in Heaven".
"What's the bad news ?", said Pat.
The Priest said, "Well Pat, the word is out that your name is down for the pairs next Saturday".

On their honeymoon a husband confesses a secret to his new wife. "Darling, I'm a bowls fanatic,"
he says. "You'll never see me at the weekends and all our holidays will be at bowls tournaments."
"I've got a confession too," replies his new wife. "I'm a hooker." "That's ok," replies the husband.
"Just concentrate on your aiming point and take a bit more green."

They beat their breasts and cried out loud,
As they faced the northern wall,
Where'd been placed the team selections,
On the notice board was their call.

There were some that swore and some that cried,
And some who stood and muttered,
Some were proud, some showed joy,
And others merely stuttered.

There were voices raised in anger,
Shrill screams split the air,
There were those who didn't say a thing,
Because they really didn't care.

"I won't play with him", one said,
"He's a bloody hopeless skip".
Another said "I'm down as three,
how can I measure with my hip".

There were many self selections,
There were lots of "bloody hells!"
But there weren't very many,
who said the Selectors had done well.

Old George Jones of bowling fame
Was always quoting the “Laws of the Game”
But one day he failed me an answer to give
And I’ll never forget it as long as I live
An old jersey cow strolled onto the green
And dropped the biggest dollop I’ve ever seen
It was only a metre away from the jack
His bowl got stuck in it and he wanted it back
I said “You can’t have it, don’t be a fool …
If you touch that bowl you’ll be breaking a rule”
So he rushed to his bag and took out his book
Turned over the pages and had a good look
Then he said “There’s nothing in here to say,
that I can’t get my bowl and continue to play”
I said “Now listen George, and don’t cause a commotion,
Rule 37 says … you can’t interfere with a bowl that’s in motion”

My husband took up bowling
and he bragged upon the phone
about some dame called Kitty
whom he couldn't leave alone

He played with Kitty
he stayed with Kitty
he picked her up without a hitch

He missed Kitty
he kissed Kitty
he even layed beside her in the ditch

So I took up bowling
to win my hubby back
and found that what he could do with Kitty,
I could do with Jack

Four bowlers were out on the Green practicing.
As one of them was about to bowl, they saw a funeral precession go by.
Instead of bowling, the bowler removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, one of the others said, "You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen."
And the bowler answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"

An old man called Barry, who practices Bowls with his pals each week, had just purchased a new pair of glasses.
On the first end, he draws four touching bowls. His friends are amazed. Again, on the 2nd and 3rd ends he repeats this amazing feat.
"Hey Barry", one friend asks. "What's your secret? You've never bowled so well."
"Well guys, its these new bifocals. I see a small jack and a big jack. I aim for the large one and the rest is history."
A few ends later, Barry needs to relieve himself so off to the toilets he goes. When he returns, his trousers are drenched.
"What happened Barry?"
Barry, in a confused voice, replies "I reached in and looked down. I saw a big one and a little one. I knew the big one wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

A couple of weeks ago, I practiced bowling with a new member.
We had fun during the practice, so I asked him if he wanted to practice next week.
He said: "Sure, but I might be a half hour late."
The following week he shows up right on on time, and we practiced, this time he plays left- handed.
I asked him if he wanted to practice again next week.
He replied: "Sure but I might be a half hour late."
I then asked him : "How come some times you play right- handed and other times, left-handed."
He said : "When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed."
I then ask : "So,what if she is laying flat on her back?"
"That's when I'll be a half hour late!" he replied.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that whilst they're physically okay, they might want to start writing things down to help them to remember things.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure"
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"
"I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that. Write it down!"
Irritated, he replies, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"

Historical evidence has been found indicating that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.

Unfortunately, the league records were not amongst the find.

Historical experts now believe that we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

"How was your bowling game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was bowling well but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the bowl went."
"But you're seventy-five years old Jack" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even bowl anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your bowl," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack bowled with Scott looking on. Jack bowled to a long jack.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yes," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering up the green.
"I forgot."